


Dementia.

by catheure



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Addiction, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Manipulation, Multi, Obsessive-Compulsive, Possessive Behavior, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 04:06:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1065561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catheure/pseuds/catheure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every light in the night flickered in and out.<br/>Every bone in my back shivered up and down.<br/>Every voice in my head shouted 'yes' and 'no'.<br/>Every freight train of thought fought to stop and go.<br/>This is driving me crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Boy With Fluorescent Green Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends! This is my first fan fiction, so I hope I didn't do too bad!  
> A couple things about this story:  
> \- It will be a weekly update, most likely every Sunday morning.  
> \- The rating is set to "mature" for future chapters.  
> \- It will be written almost entirely from Levi's perspective.  
> \- The title was inspired by Owl City's song, Dementia.  
> \- I'm totally up for suggestions! Just post a comment with your ideas.
> 
>  **Update (12 / 6 / 13):** I decided to make a few slight changes to the story. I originally didn't want to include archive warnings to avoid spoilers, but now I feel that they're necessary to give people a better idea about what's going on/what's going to eventually happen. I also added more additional tags and characters. Thank you all for your support!  
> 

The world was dark. Frigid. The only source of light came from a hazy moon being taken over by heavy rain clouds. Thick, wet hair clung to the petite man's forehead as he stared up into the shadowing sky.

  


"Tch, shitty rain."

  


Levi flicked away the dampened cigarette that was in his hand, stepping on its ashes. He pivoted on his heel and briskly walked towards the nearest building: a cabin-like cafe located on the corner of the Stohess district in downtown Sina. It was rather small, considering the sheer size of the city it was situated in, but the food was edible and business was normally slow. The streets of a usually lively city were now desolate. It was almost peaceful, if not for the deafening storm. His soaking wet clothes stuck to him, his body desperate for warmth as he entered the cafe.

  


He felt a headache coming on as he was welcomed by the sickeningly sweet smell of coffee and pastries. However, his foul mood was instantly improved after a wave of comforting heat engulfed his body. The interior was dim and built almost entirely out of a dark, mahogany wood. Decor was minimal, but accented the cafe in a way that made it appear more western-styled. Working behind the counter was a small, thin girl with strawberry-blonde hair that was pulled back into a low ponytail. She was busy attending to a young child who wanted to purchase a Millefeuille treat. When she finally noticed Levi standing by the door dripping with rain water, she gave him a large, toothy smile and said,

  


"Welcome to the Stohess cafe! Feel free to stay here for as long as you'd like. There are towels on the counter over there if you want to dry yourself off."

  


Her voice was soft and sweet, sounding almost like music as her tongue gracefully pronounced each word. Round, golden eyes sparkled in his direction. They were filled with a radiant emotion that Levi couldn't put into words. A sharp pain pierced his heart as a flood of memories clouded his mind. This girl resembled someone he used to know all too well. For a second, he almost had to choke back a nervous laugh. Not wanting to bring back such a miserable recollection, he forced himself to rid his mind of such unpleasant thoughts. Shaking his head, he ignored the girl's offer and focused his attention on the rest of his surroundings. There were others inside, also seeking refuge from the storm. Too many others.

  


An elderly couple was seated by one of the large windows, enjoying cups of coffee while gazing at each other affectionately. A woman who appeared to be in her mid thirties was struggling to calm down two toddlers who insisted on standing on top of their seats and causing a ruckus. A rather large group of teenagers had pushed together several tables and took up an entire corner of the cafe. They weren't being particularly loud or obnoxious, but their presence annoyed Levi, who couldn't help but glare in their direction for a few moments before walking into the restroom.

  


Clutching the edge of the marble sink, Levi stared at the mirror in front of him. The reflection that stared back was pathetic. His hair was a mess. A tangled, damp mess. Dark circles had formed underneath his sad grey eyes from the recent lack of sleep. He was wearing his favorite black long-sleeved sweater. His white scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck, and his black skinny jeans were starting to become more than uncomfortable. Carefully removing the wet cloth from around his neck, he folded it up neatly and set it on the counter beside him. He rolled up his sleeves just a couple of inches so that he could wash his hands. And he washed them. Over. And over. And over again, until his skin was scrubbed raw and small pools of blood built up in places where he dug his sharp nails into.

  


Levi didn't know how long he had been in there, mercilessly rubbing at his calloused hands. They were covered in blood and bruises. His whole body was shaking. His breathing was short and uneasy. His head was throbbing in pain. He was completely shut out from the world around him. Nothing else mattered except getting his hands _clean_. Blood dripped down the length of his slender fingers, staining the porcelain white sink. His mind was in a fury. This went on until he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Levi's eyes went wide, slowly calming himself down as he twisted the faucet and turned off the water. He stared at his hands in disgust.

  


He grabbed a handful of paper towels from the dispenser, and gently applied pressure to his wounds. Once his hands had stopped bleeding, he looked at his phone, still slightly dazed from what just happened. Erwin, one of his only and closest childhood friends, sent him a text message.

  


> New Message From: Erwin Smith  
>  "Where are you? We've been waiting at Hanji's dorm for over an hour. Did you forget about our plans?" 

  


The soreness of his fingers made it difficult to type out a reply, so Levi tapped on Erwin's contact icon and called him. A deep, guttural voice answered.

  


"Hey, Levi. Where are you?"

  


"I got caught in the rain. I'm at the Stohess cafe."

  


"I'm on my way."

  


Fetching his scarf from the counter, Levi tugged at the sleeves of his sweater so that his hands were completely covered by the soft fabric. The scarf was still damp, and it smelled like dirty rain water. He scrunched up his nose in revulsion as he stuffed the stinky cloth under his arm and opened the bathroom door. When he turned the corner to re-enter the cafe, he found himself colliding face-first into something hard. Rubbing his injured nose, he glanced upwards at the offender. In front of him stood a young teenager, who was at least five inches taller than he was. His skin was tan and complimented his fluorescent green eyes. Levi felt his cheeks heat up in frustration as the taller boy continued to goggle at him. Clearing his throat, he said,

  


"Watch where you're going, kid."

  


He attempted to step past him, but his path was blocked when the teenager forcefully stretched out his arm, compelling Levi to take a step back.

  


"You're the one who bumped into me, shortie!"

  


They glared each other, eyebrows furrowed. The boy's little outburst had gotten the attention of the elderly couple seated just feet away. They looked back down at their food when Levi shot them a threatening stare.

  


"Get out of my way, brat. I'm leaving."

  


Levi poked the boy in the chest hard, digging his nail into the cotton button-down shirt. He shoved the boy out of the way, ignoring his protests, and left the cafe. It was still raining, even harder than before. Regardless, Levi sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, impatiently waiting for Erwin to arrive. He was thankful for the rain, because it meant that the gangs and prostitutes of Stohess wouldn't be out tonight. It meant that there was one less problem he had to deal with tonight. Although the street lights were now turned on, it was difficult to see with the fog and heavy rain. Levi closed his eyes, enjoying the cold water hitting his warm cheeks.

  


His mind wandered back to the boy he encountered moments ago. Even Levi had to admit that the kid was attractive. The image of the boy's brilliant eyes remained stuck in his head. But, that didn't excuse his rudeness. The kid was still an idiot for insulting Levi. How dare such a pathetic brat call him short? Being freakishly tall did not give someone that right. Levi let out a heavy sigh, wondering what was taking Erwin so long to get there. Hermiha University, the college that Levi was attending, wasn't very far from Sina, and traffic was awfully slow for a Friday night. Suddenly, he felt the rain stop, although he could still hear it dripping on the ground around him.

  


Opening one eye, he glanced over his left shoulder. Crouching beside him was a young, tan teenager with fluorescent green eyes. He was holding a large umbrella over his and Levi's head, staring at the man with an intent gaze. He said,

  


"I thought you were leaving? You'll catch a cold if you sit out here in the rain...idiot."

  


The boy's voice wasn't as serious as it was before. It was softer, and a lot less obnoxious. The corner of Levi's lip twitched, almost forming a small smile.

  


"You'll catch one too if you stay out here with me, brat."

  


Levi turned his head, facing the road again. He closed both of his eyes, breathing deep and slow. The boy sat next to Levi, still holding the umbrella.

  


"I have a great immune system. "

  


Levi grunted in response. The boy continued.

  


"Um...I'm Eren."

  


"I didn't ask for your name."

  


"Well, I told you anyway! Now tell me yours."

  


"No."

  


"That's not very polite."

  


"I have no reason to be polite to you."

  


Eren narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brows. He shifted away from Levi, taking the umbrella with him. Levi's eyes sprung open with shock as the rain poured onto him again. He glared at Eren, who laughed like a shit-eating brat. The faint, familiar sound of Erwin's noisy, black Pontiac G6 approached them. Levi got up from the concrete, unsuccessfully wiping the mud off of his wet pants. Wincing at how dirty his hands had become, he walked towards the vehicle and opened the door. Eren quickly closed his umbrella and approached Levi, saying

  


"Wait! You're leaving?"

  


Levi raised an eyebrow.

  


"Yes, I told you that I would be leaving."

  


"But...I still don't know your name!"

  


"You don't need to know that."

  


Levi turned back towards the car, getting inside. Eren watched him close the door and drive off with Erwin, feeling extremely disappointed and rejected. Levi looked out the rear-view mirror until Eren was completely out of sight.

  


"Who was that?" Erwin asked.

  


"Just some shitty brat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Next chapter: Levi is invited to an event that features unexpected visitors.


	2. Crimson Sorrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends! Welcome to chapter two!  
> A couple things about this chapter:  
> \- The first chapter served as more of an "introductory" chapter.  
> Therefore, from this chapter on they will be approximately 5,000 - 7,000 words in length.  
> \- The song lyrics used during the party are from Mayday Parade's "Miserable At Best."  
> \- I'm totally up for suggestions! Just post a comment with your ideas.  
> I hope you all enjoy!  
> 

Cold, black leather seats and bright blue buttons filled the inside of Erwin's spotless car. Levi pulled down the plastic cover on the Yankee Candle air freshener tree, releasing the sweet scent. It smelled like vanilla satin. Hanging from the rear-view mirror was a key chain with the Wings of Freedom logo. The Wings of Freedom was Erwin and Levi's favorite music group. One of their hit songs, Guren no Yumiya, was playing softly on the radio. The air conditioning was on full blast, causing Levi to snuggle up in his still-damp clothing in a futile attempt of warming himself up. 

  


The pair spent the remainder of the car ride to Hermiha University in a comfortable silence. Neither of them enjoyed speaking while in a vehicle together: Erwin because he was too focused on driving, and Levi because he was busy staring out the window and daydreaming. After knowing each other for so long, it became a custom to save all conversation for when they arrived at their destination. The rain was finally starting to clear up. Levi shut off the frosty air conditioning. He knew for certain that he would wake up the next morning with a nasty cold due to his constant exposure to rain and freezing air. Crossing his lean, muscular legs, he cupped his hand in his chin and gazed at the large buildings and bright light poles zipping by them in a blur. 

  


Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he wished that Erwin would slow down the car and not speed. He was driving sixty miles per hour in a forty mile per hour zone. However, it wouldn't be all that unfortunate if they were pulled over by the police and given a speeding ticket. The longer it took them to get back to the university, the less he would be forced to suffer. He wasn't looking forward to their plans that night in the slightest. Hanji, another close childhood friend, invited both of them out to a college party being thrown by Oluo Bozado. Levi isn't very fond of Oluo, believing that he's just a stuck-up brat who needs to be put in his place. Oluo isn't particularly easy for anyone to get along with due to his snobby and arrogant personality, but rumors told that he threw amazing parties once in a while. Hanji had begged Erwin and Levi to go with her. Erwin eventually gave in to her request, as he always does. 

  


Levi, on the other hand, wanted no part of it. He had a very specific idea of "fun", and going to some random jerk's dorm on a Friday night to party was not part of it. He preferred cleaning whatever he could get his hands on over and over until his whole body ached and his head felt dizzy from the chemicals. Late at night, especially during the weekend, he enjoyed cuddling up in his bed and reading erotic romance novels. One of his favorites was the Gabriel's Inferno series by Sylvain Reynard. If his mood is really good, he'll draw or paint. He wasn't particularly talented in the arts, and never let anyone see his work. Oftentimes he would simply trash and burn his creations just to make sure they weren't discovered. It was a hobby he used to kill time and express his emotions in a non-violent way. 

  


Levi mindlessly picked at the forming scabs on his hands. A wave of regret washed over him, and the look on his face made his thoughts obvious. He was irrated at the fact that he once again allowed his uncontrollable fear and anger overpower his logical thinking. His aggressive self-harm episodes occurred more frequently than not, and it was extremely difficult for him to stop once he got started. Erwin, noticing his sudden discomfort, reached over and gently placed his hand on top of Levi's. He was one of the very few people who was aware of Levi's personal life and many problems, and he was the only person Levi would bother going to for consolation. Erwin did everything and anything he could to make him feel better. His methods typically involved a cuddle session mixed with a bit of alcohol, which worked better than trying to talk Levi through his problems. He wasn't much of a talker when he was upset. Erwin was significantly older than Levi, causing him to have a strong will to protect him. He often thought of himself as the father he never had. 

  


Levi stopped touching his wounds and snuck his fingers into the spaces between Erwin's, locking their hands together. Erwin's hands were massive and strong compared to Levi's dainty and thin ones. However, it was still extremely comforting to feel the warmth of another person's skin on your own. They remained in this position until they arrived at Hermiha University a few minutes later. Levi was the first to speak.

  


"I'm sorry. It happened again."

  


His voice was hushed and strained, sounding like he was trying to hold back tears. Erwin said nothing, but released his hand to stroke Levi's hair. 

  


"Let's go see Hanji. We've kept her waiting long enough."

  


Erwin turned the key on the ignition and stepped out of the car. Levi remained inside for a few more moments, dreading the events that would soon occur, before reluctantly following Erwin through the student parking lot.

  


~ 

  


"Oh, Levi, it's so great to see you! I've missed you so much! Are you ready to p-a-r-t-y?" Hanji didn't waste any time pouncing on Levi the second he walked through the door to her shambolic dorm. They had just seen each other that morning, so they haven't been apart long enough for him to be "missed". They even had breakfast together with Erwin and attended the same classes that day. She sprung up from her position on the couch, latching herself onto Levi's arm and planting wet, sloppy kisses all over his cheeks. 

  


"If you don't get the hell off me I'm going to decapitate that pathetic little head of yours and feed it to the neighbor's dog." Levi vigorously rubbed his cheeks in an attempt to rid his poor skin of Hanji's germs. He quickly scanned the room. It was absolutely revolting, even more so than Levi's current appearance. There were dirty clothes and unfinished homework assignments laying all over the floor. The tables were filled with junk that came from who-knows-where. Worst of all, it smelled like cat urine, and Hanji didn't even own a cat. She stopped kissing Levi almost immediately after receiving his threat, knowing better than to doubt his seriousness. She made a pouty face and said,

  


"Aw, you're no fun. Hurry up and get ready so we can go-go-go! I took it upon myself to stop by your place and get some extra clothes. I figured you would come home looking all gross and unhappy as usual." Her voice was laced with sarcasm. It was extremely rare that Levi allowed himself to be in such an off-putting condition for very long. The real reason she picked out an outfit for him was so she could make Levi look as ridiculous as possible. Or, as she called it, "cool" and "trendy". As of late, Hanji had developed a strange fascination with current fashion trends, all of which Levi hated. She pushed Levi into her small bathroom and shut the door, bouncing back over to Erwin, who was now seated on the squeaky leather couch.

  


The bathroom looked as if Hanji hadn't cleaned it in months. Or, she's been conducting abnormal science experiments again. Levi assumed the latter, trying his hardest not to step on any of the strange green liquid covering the toilet and the tile floor. Despite his bizarre surroundings, he began to strip himself garment-free. Levi wasted no time hopping into the boiling hot shower. Steam quickly filled the room and fogged the glass on the shower and mirrors. For a woman, Hanji's selection of hair and body products was quite minimal. Levi settled for a tropical fruit body wash and coconut shampoo. He usually didn't like fruity scents, but he couldn't complain. It was so relieving to finally have a shower after such an awful day, even if there were cockroach-like creatures crawling up the shower walls. He had only been bathing for a few minutes when he heard a familiar banging on the door.

  


"Alright, beauty queen, time's up! We're going to miss the p-a-r-t-y!"

  


Levi groaned. Why couldn't he just stay home? He hated those two freaks for making him tag along. He knew he wasn't going to enjoy himself, so there was no point in him even showing up. He unwillingly stepped out of the shower, cold air engulfing his body once again. Examining the clothes Hanji selected, his face twisted in disgust. None of these clothes were even his. That sneaky woman must have gotten these clothes from her own closet. 

  


There was a maroon t-shirt with pixelated snowflakes and two moose on the front with short sleeves. Hanji didn't even have enough sense to get him a long sleeved shirt, or a jacket for that matter. She also knew about Levi's personal life, but tended to keep a more positive outlook on it rather than feeling sorry for him, unlike Erwin. He examined the scars, new and old, lining both of his arms. When he put the shirt on, he realized that it was extremely tight, most likely made to fit a female body. His muscular arms and abdomen were accented in a way that made him feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Sighing, he slipped into the white boot-cut jeans, put on his socks, and sloppily towel-dried his hair. His neck felt naked and exposed without a scarf wrapped around it. He solemnly looked at his own scarf sitting on Hanji's counter before opening the door.

  


"Give me a jacket." He demanded, emerging from the bathroom and throwing up his arms so Hanji and Erwin could both see how short the sleeves on his shirt were. 

  


"You can use mine." Erwin offered, giving Hanji an offended side-glance as she burst into an obnoxious laughter. Levi glared at her, putting on the heavy jacket that Erwin handed him. Considering their major size difference, Levi looked like a hobo with the jacket. The bottom went down to the middle of his slender thighs, and the sleeves went way past the tips of his fingers. It was an odd shade of deep blue, contrasting with the color of his shirt. But, at least it covered his arms and kept him cozy.

  


"Alright, alright, lovebirds. Just hurry up, okay? I'll be in the car waiting." Hanji grabbed her keys and a large bag that most likely contained items she would use for practical pranks at the party. She wiggled her fingers at Erwin and Levi, ushering them to get moving, before sprinting out the door at full speed. It sounded like she tripped and fell down the stairs, but neither of them took much notice of it.

  


Erwin and Levi stood in silence for a few moments before Erwin placed his hands on Levi's petite shoulders. In a soft whisper, he said, 

  


"Are you sure you want to go? You've been in a bad mood since this morning. We could just ditch Hanji and go somewhere else--"

  


Levi pulled himself away from Erwin's grasp, shaking his head and zipping up the jacket halfway and stuffing his hands in the deep pockets. 

  


"Don't worry about me. Let's go."

  


~ 

  


Oluo's dorm was in a different building, so the trio climbed into Erwin's car. The ride was short, and the new parking lot was packed with tons of vehicles and people. A lot of the college students were just hanging out by their cars, smoking a cigarette and chatting amongst themselves. But a handful of them were already completely wasted, acting like fools in front of everyone. One kid, who had a reputation for doing stupid things and getting into trouble, was trying to start a "beer chugging competition". When no one wanted to participate, he started screaming and stomping his foot on the ground like a two year old child. 

  


Levi hoped and prayed that the party wasn't going to be as "huge" and "totally rad", as Hanji had described it. However, when they opened the door to Oluo's place, Levi froze. He couldn't decide whose dorm was more disgusting: Hanji's or Oluo's. There was a massive amount of people shoved into the inadequate space, and he didn't even recognize half of them. It reeked of marijuana and strong alcohol, causing Levi to scrunch up his nose and cover his face with Erwin's sweater, which smelled like cheap cologne and sweat. Obnoxiously loud music was blasting from the speakers, instantly giving Levi a headache. Somehow, within minutes of walking through the door, he managed to lose sight of both Hanji and Erwin, leaving him standing there alone. 

  


He expertly wormed his way through the blob of people, finding a rather uncomfortable chair in the corner of the living room to sit in. He tried to calm down, feeling his blood pressure raising higher each second. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. This was a bad idea, no doubt, and if anyone even attempted to speak to him with their intoxicating beer-breath and desperate disposition, he would execute them right then and there. Just as he began contemplating various murder methods, he felt a tap on his shoulder. His eyes shot open, staring daggers at the person standing next to him. His expression quickly softened when he saw a familiar face.

  


_"But compared to your eyes, nothing else shines quite as bright."_

  


It was the boy from the cafe. Eren. What were the chances of them encountering each other again in a place like this? The kid didn't even look like he was in college. Eren motioned for Levi to follow him, pointing his fingers at his ear to indicate that this was a bad place to talk because of the noise. Levi would probably never understand why he nodded his head in agreement, completely unaware of the consequences that would follow his actions tonight. He got up from his seat and allowed himself to be taken away, the boy tugging on the sleeve of Erwin's jacket. 

  


_"And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so."_

  


After a few long minutes of constant pushing and shoving their way through the rowdy crowd, Levi was led into what appeared to be a spare bedroom. The walls were painted a cream color, and the carpet was dark brown. It was relatively empty asides for a small double bed, a night table with a blue lamp, and a couple of filled bookshelves. Eren released the jacket sleeve, and walked over to stand besides the bed. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, looking extremely nervous. His cheeks were flushed pink, and he was unwilling to look Levi in the eye. Levi crossed his arms, examining Eren up and down before his curiosity got the best of him.

  


"I haven't seen you around Hermiha before. How long have you been going to school here?" 

  


Although Levi was way under the average height for a grown man his age, five feet and three inches, he didn't look young at all. His constant angry expression and heavy eyelids gave him the appearance of someone much older. Eren's face was more bright and child-like, and his overall demeanor resembled that of a high schooler at most. This made Levi curious as to what Eren's reasons for attending this party were. 

  


"A-ah, I don't actually go to school here. I'm with my sister, Mikasa Ackerman. She asked me to tag along because she said I would have fun, but she ended up ditching me for her other friends."

  


Eren shrugged, pulling his arm down and placing it at his side. He sat down on the edge of the bed, twiddling his thumbs staring at his fingers. Levi raised an eyebrow. Mikasa Ackerman was a couple years younger than Levi, but she exceeded him in more ways than one. She was at the top of all her classes, earning perfect scores in every subject. She was greatly involved in sports and other extracurricular activities, such as wrestling and after school volunteering at various community locations. She was head of the student council team, winning the elections each year by a long-shot. Not to mention she was insanely attractive and very, very popular. Everyone wanted to be friends with her, and it wasn't too often that she shot people down and rejected them. She was friendly with almost everyone who attempted to talk to her, making her even more lovable. 

  


"I refuse to believe that _you're_ related to Ackerman."

  


Levi walked over and sat on the opposite edge of the bed, positioning himself so that he was sitting Indian-style and looking at Eren's back. Eren rotated his body, messing up the sheets. He mimicked Levi's position so that they were facing each other with their legs crossed. His eyebrows were furrowed again, something he tended to do quite frequently, as Levi had noticed. Levi thought that whenever he made that face, he looked like a toddler. Eren was slightly offended by Levi's comment.

  


"Well, _technically_ she's my stepsister. Complicated family stuff, you know? But either way, it's not that hard to believe, is it?"

  


Levi shook his head, wanting to move on from that subject to a more important one. He knew that Eren had some secret reason for pulling him out of the crowd as oppose to someone else. Plus, it just seemed strange to him that the kid kept trying to talk to him as if they were life-long buddies.

  


"It is. But regardless, I'm sure you didn't invite me in here to talk about your sister. What do you want?"

  


At this sudden change of subject, Eren shifted uncomfortably on the bed. 

  


"You're the only person I know here. I mean, I guess I don't actually know you yet, but I figured this could be a good chance to start. It's not weird or anything, so don't look at me like that!"

  


Eren's blush grew darker with every word that flew out of his mouth. He was too cute when he was flustered. Levi bit back a chuckle, raising an eyebrow at Eren's silly rambling.

  


"I see." 

  


There was an awkward silence for a few long minutes. Eren was now situated a few inches from Levi's face, which made him incredibly uncomfortable. Levi scooted himself backwards, away from Eren. He didn't want to put himself in a dangerous position without first clarifying the question that's been itching at the back of his mind since he first saw Eren at the cafe.

  


"How old are you, Eren?"

  


He hesitated.

  


"I'm sixteen...how old are you?"

  


Levi sighed. Of course it was too good to be true. He was just glad that he obtained that piece of information before he got attached to the kid. 

  


"Too old for you. I'm going back out."

  


He got up from his spot on the bed, smoothing out the wrinkled sheet with his hand. Eren shot up from his spot too, his voice filled with desperation,

  


"Wait! Please don't leave again. I just want to talk to you, I promise."

  


"I don't want to talk to you."

  


As Levi began walking towards the bedroom door, Eren flung himself towards him, latching on to his jacket and trying to pull him back. Levi let out an annoyed hiss, shoving Eren with enough force to knock him backwards and fall onto the bed.

  


"Listen, kid, I know what you're trying to do. It would never work out." Levi's voice sounded extremely irritated, but Eren didn't plan on backing down that easily.

  


Eren sat up on the bed, rubbing the area on his chest where Levi pushed him.

  


"Why wouldn't it work out?"

  


Levi rubbed the bridge of his nose. He couldn't decide whether he should just walk out and leave the kid hanging, or try to prove his point. Clearly, talking wasn't going to get Eren to understand, with that thick skull of his. So he went with an alternative method. Levi cocked his head to the side, giving Eren an almost sadistic look, and slowly walked over to the bed. He pushed Eren again, this time making him fall onto his back. Before Eren could get up, Levi got on top of him, pinning down his legs with his knees. He held Eren's arms above his head by grabbing onto his wrists. Levi pressed his chest against Eren's, feeling how heavily the boy was breathing. His face was dangerously close to Eren's, their lips just centimeters apart. Levi tenderly ran his finger across the edge of Eren's jaw, leaning in close to his ear as he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. 

  


"It wouldn't work out because--"

  


Before Levi could finish his sentence, the bedroom door creaked open. They both looked over, and Levi's eyes widened in shock and slight annoyance. In the doorway stood Erwin, the expression on his face was nothing less than rage. The air in the room grew heavy with anticipation. However, he remained calm when he spoke. Too calm for comfort.

  


"Levi, we're leaving."

  


Erwin didn't even wait for Levi to get up and follow him, knowing that he wouldn't dare stay where he was. He pivoted on his heel and walked out the door. Levi paused for a few moments before getting up as well. Without giving Eren a second look, he walked out the door to search for Erwin. Eren remained laying on the bed, dumbfounded.

  


~ 

  


"What the hell was that, Levi?"

  


Erwin and Levi were now outside the dorm building, standing behind a large oak tree and a couple of bushes. There were a few drunkards sitting against the wall a few feet away, but they paid them no mind. They weren't actually going to leave the party so soon. It had only been about an hour since they arrived, and knowing Hanji, she would want to be there until the early hours of the morning. Erwin had led Levi outside so that they could talk alone. He had went off to search for Levi earlier because he wanted a chance to hang out with him. He didn't expect for them to get separated so quickly, and he felt bad for leaving Levi to face the party on his own. However, after what he just witnessed, Erwin wanted to go home almost as much as Levi did.

  


"I don't know what you're talking about." Levi said nonchalantly.

  


Levi wasn't facing Erwin. He was facing the oak tree, pretending to be absorbed by its large leaves and growing moss. He didn't feel guilty for advancing on Eren like he did. In fact, the interaction was exhilarating. But, he did feel guilty for getting caught by Erwin. He wasn't going to hear the end of it for a long, long time. He knew Erwin was hurt. Heartbroken, even. That fact didn't bother Levi as much as it probably should have. His relationship with Erwin was rather bizarre. They were more than friends, but Levi didn't consider them lovers. Sure, Erwin treated him fair enough: He bought Levi the things he wanted, took him out to fun locations, and made him feel like the greatest person on the planet even if Levi didn't believe he was. There was the occasional make out session and sex, but there were no emotions attached on Levi's end. He took advantage of Erwin's kindness to fuel his own heartlessness. 

  


"That was the kid from the cafe, wasn't it?"

  


Silence. Erwin was growing impatient. He sauntered over to where Levi was standing, the damp ground sinking beneath his heavy boots. He grabbed Levi's shoulder, forcefully spinning him around so that they were facing each other. Despite the sudden, aggressive movement, Levi's expression remained stoic as he averted Erwin's gaze. As much as he disliked arguing with Erwin, he wasn't in the mood to deal with his jealous behavior. It happened every time Levi showed slight interest in another man, and it was starting to become extremely bothersome. Levi almost regretted letting things get this far with Erwin. He didn't want the man to think his romantic feelings were mutual. Regardless, Levi didn't want to lose the only person who was keeping him sane. So he forced himself to put up with it. Over and over again. After what felt like an eternity of silence, Levi spoke.

  


"There's been a misunderstanding, Erwin. That brat and I are not romantically involved. I was simply trying to prove a point."

  


At this answer, Erwin became visibly more tense. His expression hardened, and he clenched his fists hard enough to leave deep marks. He wasn't okay with Levi's brief response. It was obvious when Levi wasn't being completely honest, and he wanted to know the truth. It wasn't often that Levi was around other people, other men for that matter, and when he was it usually meant that there were feelings involved. Since Levi was difficult to get along with due to his blunt and standoffish personality, the feelings given by the opposite party quickly faded, leaving Levi alone once again. But despite that, such things still bothered Erwin when they happened. Erwin considered him and Levi an "item", and though it was never verbally made official, he was convinced that they felt the same way about each other. The fact that Levi was acting sketchy and avoiding answering his questions directly about this new boy made Erwin concerned.

  


"What could you have possibly been trying to prove? You were laying down on top of him, looking as if you were ready to kiss."

  


Levi made a "tsk" noise through gritted teeth. Even he didn't quite know the answer to that question. None of the events that occurred that day made sense to Levi. He was confused, and he didn't understand his own reasoning. He could blame his actions on his recent sexual frustration, but pointing that out to Erwin would definitely make things worse between them. He spun around to face away from Erwin once again, taking a few steps towards the tree. He gazed up at the dark sky that now blanketed the world. The rain clouds had disappeared almost entirely, revealing bright stars that shone brightly on the ground below them. Jealously consumed Levi as he continued to look up at the glowing orbs. How unfair it was that these objects could remain cheerful and brilliant no matter what the circumstances while he was nothing short of miserable. Miserable. Always. Levi could feel Erwin's piercing gaze on the back of his head, growing more impatient with each second that passed. 

  


"We weren't. Like I said, there's absolutely nothing going on between us. I don't even know the kid. In my defense, he advanced first."

  


It wasn't a complete lie. Levi could see that it was obvious the kid was attracted to him in one way or another. He didn't believe that Eren just "wanted to talk" at the party. There must have been an underlying reason for pulling him out that he didn't want to reveal. Either way, Levi had no intentions of taking it any further, especially after finding out Eren's age. It was creepy. Illegal. He knew nothing good would come out of pursuing a relationship, even just a friendship, with someone almost ten years younger than he was.

  


"If he advanced first, why did you go along with it?"

  


Erwin sounded like he was in pain. Desperate for a truthful answer. He was giving Levi a pitiful look, glaring at him with tear-filled eyes. He looked pathetic. Disgusting. Levi hated seeing him like this, but there was nothing he could do now. He messed up, and he knew it. Erwin had caught him red-handed. His mind raced for a reply in order to avoid sounding like a liar. But he couldn't think of a believable excuse that would make sense and satisfy Erwin. In a last, futile attempt to get Erwin off his case about the ordeal, he said,

  


"It's none of your business, Erwin. I'm not in the mood to deal with your shitty interrogation. Let's just go home."

  


While Erwin and Levi didn't necessarily "live" with each other, Levi spent more time at Erwin's place than he did at his own. Neither of them could remember the last time Levi didn't sleep over at Erwin's dorm. It was easier that way. They could walk home from classes together after grabbing a bite to eat and studying for a couple hours. They could easily make plans and spend the majority of their days in each other's company. They even slept in Erwin's bed together, which Hanji found incredibly strange for two grown men who insisted they weren't a couple. Levi stopped staying at his own dorm after Erwin found out about how serious his self-harm issues had become. He said it would be better for the both of them if he just lived with Erwin. That way, Erwin didn't have to worry about Levi as much, and Levi didn't have to feel so alone. The only time Levi would stop by his dorm is to grab a piece of clothing or other miscellaneous objects that weren't already sitting in Erwin's place. 

  


Erwin unclenched his fists, and solemnly glanced down at the grass. A single tear rolled down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away with the back of his hand. He was most definitely hurt by Levi's words. Levi was the only man capable of making Erwin cry, which happened only when they argued. Erwin contemplated his next course of action. He wanted nothing more but to scoop Levi up in his arms and cuddle him until he forgot all about that kid. He wanted to kiss Levi and tell him how much he loved him, and have him say the same. He knew it was wishful thinking, but it's something that he's been wanting for years. After a few moments of silence, he cleared his throat to speak. His next sentence was quiet. So quiet that Levi thought he misheard his words.

  


"I don't want you coming home with me tonight. You can walk to your own dorm. Goodnight, Levi."

  


He turned away from Levi and marched back towards the inside of the building, not looking back for even a second. Levi could do nothing but gawk at him, wide-eyed. If Erwin was upset enough to kick Levi out of his dorm, he knew that he had made a huge mistake. When Erwin was out of sight, Levi kicked the tree as hard as he could, trying to let out his building rage. Angry tears stung the corners of his eyes. His foot throbbed in agonizing pain. He ripped off Erwin's jacket, and threw it into the bushes. Levi wasted no time starting his walk home, giving threatening glares at anyone who looked in his general direction. His blood was boiling. Tears were now streaming down his cheeks, and he couldn't explain why. Surely, Erwin wasn't that upset. He would call Levi the next day and apologize for everything, begging Levi to get a cup of coffee with him, or ask to go see a movie together. Levi was overreacting and he knew it, but that didn't stop him from feeling the way he did. It had been months since he was forced to sleep in his own dorm, and he wasn't looking forward to not having Erwin's warm body by his side that night.

  


~ 

  


After approximately fifteen minutes of speed-walking, Levi was exhausted. His entire body was sore. He was in pain. Hungry. Depressed. Nothing was going to make him feel better except for a smoke. Alcohol. Erwin. But he didn't have any of those things now. He had nothing inside this home. He hastily unlocked the door to his empty dorm, slamming it shut and heading straight towards the bathroom. He nearly ran past the empty living room. The untouched kitchen. Every wall was bare, not a single decoration in sight. He slammed the bathroom door shut, making sure to lock it. He unlocked it, then locked it again. Levi ripped off the disgusting shirt that Hanji gave him, tossing it inside the dirty laundry basket. His breathing quickened. He crouched beside the cabinet below his sink, fetching a small box. Inside the box were assorted razors, large and small, thick and thin, that he had collected over the years. With shaking hands, he picked out a large razor that came from an old pencil sharpener. He held his breath as he drew a deep, vertical line along the center of his wrist.

  


The pain was overwhelming. It flew up his arm, and rippled throughout his body. Levi cried and cried. He cried because of the unbearable stinging in his arm. He cried because there was blood dripping all over his clean floor. He cried because of Erwin leaving. He cried because he couldn't do anything right. His mistakes hurt the people he needed the most more than they hurt him. He was unable to live with that fact. He despised himself. All he wanted at that point was for the pain to completely engulf his body, making him disappear into a void as empty and useless as he was. The worst part was not having anyone by his side telling him he was wrong to think that way. He was wrong to hate himself. He was perfect. He was everything anyone could ever want in a person. Levi was alone, and he loathed every second of it.

  


That night, Levi's dreams were filled with crimson sorrows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: A certain green-eyed brat becomes the key to freeing Levi out of his depression void.


End file.
